How struggle makes us stronger

I'm muddling through an essay for a scholarship application for RA patients. I hate this kind of stuff; it feels too much like self-pity, and when I don't want to do something, I tend to run up against some serious writer's block. I ran across a quote from Jonah Lehrer this morning on Andrew Sullivan's blog that's given me a much-needed dose of inspiration. I think you'll like it, too:

For me, the lesson of stuttering is that obstacles can also be advantages, that who we become is deeply influenced by what we cannot do. [...] The secret is to struggle through, because the very act of raging against a disadvantage generates its own set of skills.

And now, back to work.

Hips

I overdid it last weekend with a long afternoon rollerblade. Lots of fun, but a week and a half later my hips still aren't thanking me. I spent a few hours yesterday floating around my parents' pool. Weightlessness felt awfully nice.

I'm restless at work. This is, in part, because of my hip - I'm not really down with spending eight hours in a chair these days. I've been making lots of trips to the printer and down the street to Starbucks, and have left early a few times so that I could finish work lying down. I haven't told anyone why; "I'm leaving because it hurts to sit" would necessitate some sort of an explanation, whereas "I've got to run to an appointment" is suitably vague. Thank goodness I work in a flexible office.

I'm looking forward to school in a few months. I know I'll be busy, but school-busy has always treated me better than work-busy. I'd rather have piles of reading and writing that I can do from home - even from bed if I need to - and with short breaks than have to spend eight or ten straight hours at a desk or in meetings.

I'm currently house-sitting for a relative. Last night I slept for three hours because there was a cat on me (and when I tried to shut the door on him, he howled). I'm working on a cat contingency plan for tonight.

Noise

It was my regular 6-month ICD interrogation. I go in, lie down and chatter with thenurses while a computer communicates with my defibrillator, gathering information on what it’s recorded or done over the months since my last check-up. It’s easy and usually uneventful.

As I lay there this morning, the nurse furrowed her brow at the screen.

“What were you doing on December 13^th at 9:30 in the morning?” she asked.

I had no idea, of course, but apparently my device recorded a 42-second run of atrial fibrillation.

“It’s definitely not a-fib,” she said. “It’s noise on your lead.”

“Noise?” I asked.

“Something big happened to your device. If you were a man, I’d have said you must have been using a jackhammer. Or if your device were any older, I’d be worried about a lead fracture.”

I asked how she knew it wasn’t actually a-fib if the device said it was. “I just do,” was her answer.

She made some phone calls, informing me I’d need a chest x-ray and that the doctor on call would want to see me. I waited on the bed, thinking I’d call into work and let them know I’d be later than originally thought.

But then the doctor walked in. I'd never seen him in my life. Barely glancing at the screen, he said, "you're fine."

The nurse seemed surprised. She asked if he was sure, and whether he didn’t want a chest x-ray.

“No. She’s fine.”

“Are you really sure?” she asked again.

He looked at me this time. “You can go home,” he said.

And then he left. Maybe "ran off" would be more accurate.

The nurse looked at me.

"I guess you can go,” she shrugged.

**

What the hell?

I did leave, but I left feeling irritated and unsatisfied.

Patients, have you been in a situation like this? Doctors, why oh why do you contradict nurses (or other doctors) without explaining yourselves? Should I have been more assertive? Should I have demanded an explanation? I probably shouldn't worry about it, but I'm always wary of crossing the line into annoying-hypochondriac-patient territory. For now, I've just decided to wait and ask Dr. Cufflinks about it when I see him.

I know these people are busy, and I also know they don’t always have all the answers. But if you just don't know, or if you have a good reason for disagreeing with another care provider, then tell me. This is the kind of thing that drives people to Dr. Google.

Still here

Really!

I just got through a conference I've been planning for over a year, having friends stay for a few days, some long and late work events, and various other junk.

On the plus side, my blood pressure is so low Dr. Cufflinks has suggested cutting my Coversyl dose in half, and when I left my rheumatologist's office last week after a very positive appointment, she yelled, "See you in a long time!" That's what I like to hear. My broken rib, while still achey, is recovering nicely.

I will return to regularly scheduled blogging after some naps.

(Also: I was at an awards banquet tonight. One of the recipients was named Hugh Jass. I laughed so hard I cried. It was awesome.)

Treats, please.

3 attempts at getting blood (involving considerable fishing) + Enbrel = 4 needles in 1 day.

There was a time in my life at which this would have earned me some serious loot. As it stands, I had to settle for a handful of jube jubes I nicked from the board room.

Maybe I should have cried?