I've been taking methotrexate for 18 years.
That is a really, really long time. And recently, for whatever reason - I'm not really sure why - I've started to hate it.
It's not like it's doing anything new: my only real side effect is hair loss, and that's been happening for years. I've just grown, for some reason, to dislike it intensely. Thinking about it makes me queasy, and (confession time) I've started to skip it occasionally (I know - bad patient! However, after 18 years on a pretty wide range of doses, from almost-nothing to very high, I'm not worried about fiddling with it).
I just don't like it. I don't like that it makes me worry over every glass of wine. I don't like that it makes my hair come out in clumps and has given me bald patches. I don't like that it's a chemo drug and an abortifacient. I don't even like that it's yellow and makes awful looking stains when it spills.
I debated whether or not to even post this, because the last thing I want to do is frighten someone who is about to give methotrexate a try. The thing is, I know I am being a bit silly. Methotrexate has been perfectly safe for me - I've never once had iffy bloodwork in all my years of taking it, and my nausea went away completely after the first couple of weeks. And it did, it absolutely did, halt the severe damage that was occurring to my wrists, knees and and elbows when I was a teenager. I don't regret taking it.
Nevertheless, I'm ready to stop. I don't think it's doing much for me anymore on top of the Humira, Plaquenil and Celebrex, and, while my disease activity is definitely worse that it was a few years ago, it isn't as acute as it was in the summer, and when I first started on Humira.
My rheumatologist is awfully keen on it, though, especially paired with a biologic. I'm going to try and convince her to let me try just the Humira, Plaquenil and Celebrex and see how things go. I hope I can. After 18 years, I'm more than ready to know what my body feels like without it.